Say What?

Is today the last day of the earth?  Don’t think so…

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. I went to a bookstore and asked , “Where’s the Self-Help section?” and was answered, “If I told you, it would defeat the purpose.”

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If a snail doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

5. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

6. The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the ‘bad’ girls live.

7. Where do Forest Rangers go to ‘get away from it all?’

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. If someone with multiple-personalities threatens to kill  himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. If man evolved from Monkeys, why do we still have Monkeys?

11.Do Infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids’ instead of ‘Asteroids’?

13. Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God??

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

16. Why do they put Braille on Drive-through ATM’s?

17. Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

18. Who do  you call when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

19. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid some on might clean them?

20. Isn’t it unnerving  that doctors call what they do “Practice”?

21. Is it possible to be totally partial?

22. How much deeper would oceans be, if Sponges didn’t grow in them?

23. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

24. Do Roman doctors refer to IV’s as 4’s?

25. Why do we put Suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

26. If  ‘Con’ is the opposite of ‘Pro’, then, (be prepared to laugh) what is the opposite of Progress?

27. Why is it called a Hamburger when it’s made out of Beef?

28. Why is ‘Quite a few’, the same as ‘Quite a lot’?

28. Why do Feet smell and Noses run?

29. Why do you Recite at a Play but you Play at a recital?

30. Why are Boxing Rings square?

31. Why are they called Apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

32. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a Beard?

33. What happens if you get Scared to Death, two times?

34. What is the speed of Dark?

35. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

36. If an Orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called Green, and a lemon, a Yellow?

37.Why do you need a Driver’s License to buy liquor when you can’t Drink and Drive?

And, if you happened to see and survive

December 21, 2012, let’s all settle down to 2013

and make of it the most wonderful year, ever.    

That’s my plan. Wanna join me?????

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